Hello dear reader,
The time period between this recent equinox to the capricorn full moon has been a bit of a blur. I started working full time, which hasn’t left a lot of energy for creativity, I’ve been in a bit of a grief/ survival mode as my body adjusts…
Today I’ve been revisiting some of the songs that emerged this spring, at the apex of the eclipse… I had released all expectations from myself and found free-flowing experimentation, and I really love what I made/ want to continue that thread…
They provided a great relief and beautiful contrast from the very goal-driven and precise work I had to do to make progress on my record—which, while it emerged from experiments, it emerged as an entity that demands to take form and quite aggressively bullies me towards the platonic ideal… it has been exhausting and thus I only open that door every now and then. Once the form wants what it wants, there’s very little input from me, it’s not a creative process, it’s a sacrifice and an act of devotion and service.
What is different (this time) is that I don’t feel like a martyr, and I feel like I can set boundaries and only extend this act of service when I have the space for it, otherwise I’m allowing myself to do what I want… which currently is nothing, and sometimes it’s mangling tape loops and trying new Ableton stuff.
If this type of language is exhausting to you, I do apologize, but I do think a lot about how we are in relation to our work, and like all relationships it takes trust, boundaries, and respect, otherwise they can become at worse abusive or life-draining, and this is something I have been working on in terms of practice for quite a while, but it is a practice…
On the horizon: I will probably play a show in August, so I’ll probably return to announce that…
Other than that, I’m trying to give myself space and silence and rest when I can—so the unknowingness can call me back to it, I love it the most…
i wanted nothing so i went to the desert
finding comfort in the deep unknowing
is it possible? what is possible?
it all escapes me, it all slips through me
i want this untethering, i am complete
-A
many lines hitting true for me, grateful for these reminders