solstice greetings~~

once i made this confession to myself, things moved rather quickly

hello friends~~

it’s been a while since I felt called to write on here, and with the year ending I feel the need to close out + reflect…

i am recovering from illness and while that took me out for a few days it allowed me to rest and slow down enough to take stock of where i’m at with my creative projects and what goals i want to focus on. i came to the honest realization that if i ever want my record to see the light of day, that i need to act on it, so i decided to spend my 5 days of isolation and bedrest to go through all my files and finally admit to myself that there’s a high probability that it’s my project is ready to be mastered. once i made this confession to myself, things moved rather quickly, and now i have a folder sitting on my desktop, labeled, fades where i need them, levels not clipping, and all i need to hear now is yes. and i feel close to this yes.

the yes i need is more of a permission, the permission to let go, because over the past two years, this project has weighed on me, and it has been on the back of my mind constantly. i have been in a strange limbo with it, where i have sat with it and worked on and off on it for months and months, and i never felt i was allowed to declare it finished, because, well, what if it’s not good enough? what if someone sees through me, calls me out, calls my work lazy? and more importantly, if i can’t live up to the ideal i build an ever rising pedestal for, am i failure, will anything i do ever be enough? will i ever be enough?

and this is why i need to hear a yes. because the idea of never being enough is a constant threat to my well-being. so sitting on this work and never feeling like it will be enough was a siphon to my energy, because the idea is there and it drains me, it threatens me when i need to sleep and rest and do other things, because i like doing other things… so i knew i had to stop the cycle, and declare it enough, even if i am not sure.

i feel much lighter since i made this declaration. and with the end of the year nearing, and the days growing darker, i feel a lot of joy in feeling a lot of permission to simply be with the liminal, not to fear it. i am absorbed into the womb of this limbo, where i am allowed to start regenerating, rebuilding, until a fire beings inside me again and i can restart the cycle, as i only pray to this…

i hope this solstice finds you warm, safe, and full of revelation…

-A

oh and since it is that time of year maybe i should share some records i enjoyed or found interesting this year…

• nicolas jaar- piedras 1 + 2

• beth gibbons- lives outgrown

• diiv- frog in boiling water

• elsa hewitt- chaos emeralds

• chelsea wolfe- she reaches out to she reaches out to she

• the smile- cutouts

• alexander gregory kent- teaches dust to reason

• tummyache- egosystem

• autechre- AE 2022-