hello, and happy winter solstice <3
i cannot believe this year is almost over (cliche, I knowā¦)
i think honestly this year has been one of the most challenging for me, with gigantic ups and downs. the first half of the year felt expansive and transformative, the latter was a never-ending avalanche of challenges which forced me to knuckle down and turn inward in painful contractionsā¦
yet, even though i think iāve been stuck and lost, iāve still had a lot of important realizations when things werenāt moving so quickly or felt obviously expansive and i think i am still moving in the general direction i want to, however unclear each step might feel. i havenāt completely regressed into shame and thinking iāll never have anything worthy to share or say ever again, which iāve done in the past when things are challenging. i wanted to disappear and hide from myself when things got painful, but i moved through the discomfort and tried to nurture myself through it.
hereās a list of things i have written/ realized in the past few months:
āI want to come into myself, fully. To not be afraid. To not be existing and acting purely out of fear. To not break myself to fit into the world or a mold, but the create a space that fits me.ā
āI donāt know. but Iām alive, Iām here, and all I know is that I have a deep need and desire and drive to make things and share themā¦ā
āI felt so unseen and alone growing up. I was so afraid of speaking up, of being myself. I recoiled so deeply into myself. I was stoic, and detached, almost mute. It was deeply painful because Iām naturally emotive, expressive, sensitive. Swallowing it (my words and emotions) is deeply destructive. The things I swallow turn into rocks in my stomach until Iām weighed down and paralyzed- and when I unknowingly wade out into a river or a stream of emotions the rocks weigh me down and hold me captive until I am trashing and gasping for air in the dark corners of my mind, muffled and invisible to the restā¦silence is the ultimate punishment to anyone who is alive, it is the ultimate tool of control.ā (that one as a bit intense but very important)
āI donāt want to tell myself that certain things arenāt possible for me just because I havenāt been shownā¦ life is always opening before me. Things are always changing, I am always changing. However small I may feel, Iām always growing too. Itās my life, and I will continue to carry myself and come into my fullest being.ā
The longer I am alive, the more I feel I am in an endless spiral. Each time I feel awake and alive resonates in the same way, each time I feel weighed down the way out feels clearer, it is all repetition, and I am beating and breathing in it~~
Thank you for listening and reading, see you on the other side, and in many other lives.
-A
Really enjoyed reading this today, thank you for sharing š Happy Solstice š¤
Hola , Durante Todo El AƱo TĆ© Has Nutrido A Ti Misma , Con Todas Las Vivencias Que Has Ido Acumulado DĆa Tras DĆa , Unas Buenas , Otras Malas , Pero AsĆ Es La Vida. Cuanto MĆ”s Experiencias Tengas En La Vida MĆ”s Fuerte Y Hermosa TĆ© HarĆ”s. Ya He Escuchado Tus Dos Nuevas Canciones , Son FantĆ”sticas. La CanciĆ³n: DesentraƱando , Es Espectacular , Creo Que Es La Mejor Del AƱo , La Letra Es Una Belleza , TĆŗ Voz Suena Angelical , Tiene Una Fuerza CĆ³smica Y Embriagadora , Enhorabuena. Feliz Solsticio De Invierno , Feliz Navidad Y Que Tengas Un PrĆ³spero 2024. Un Saludo.