solstice greetings~~

new songs and end of the year/ spiral reflections

hello, and happy winter solstice <3

i cannot believe this year is almost over (cliche, I know…)

i think honestly this year has been one of the most challenging for me, with gigantic ups and downs. the first half of the year felt expansive and transformative, the latter was a never-ending avalanche of challenges which forced me to knuckle down and turn inward in painful contractions…

yet, even though i think i’ve been stuck and lost, i’ve still had a lot of important realizations when things weren’t moving so quickly or felt obviously expansive and i think i am still moving in the general direction i want to, however unclear each step might feel. i haven’t completely regressed into shame and thinking i’ll never have anything worthy to share or say ever again, which i’ve done in the past when things are challenging. i wanted to disappear and hide from myself when things got painful, but i moved through the discomfort and tried to nurture myself through it.

here’s a list of things i have written/ realized in the past few months:

• “I want to come into myself, fully. To not be afraid. To not be existing and acting purely out of fear. To not break myself to fit into the world or a mold, but the create a space that fits me.”

• “I don’t know. but I’m alive, I’m here, and all I know is that I have a deep need and desire and drive to make things and share them…”

• “I felt so unseen and alone growing up. I was so afraid of speaking up, of being myself. I recoiled so deeply into myself. I was stoic, and detached, almost mute. It was deeply painful because I’m naturally emotive, expressive, sensitive. Swallowing it (my words and emotions) is deeply destructive. The things I swallow turn into rocks in my stomach until I’m weighed down and paralyzed- and when I unknowingly wade out into a river or a stream of emotions the rocks weigh me down and hold me captive until I am trashing and gasping for air in the dark corners of my mind, muffled and invisible to the rest…silence is the ultimate punishment to anyone who is alive, it is the ultimate tool of control.” (that one as a bit intense but very important)

• “I don’t want to tell myself that certain things aren’t possible for me just because I haven’t been shown… life is always opening before me. Things are always changing, I am always changing. However small I may feel, I’m always growing too. It’s my life, and I will continue to carry myself and come into my fullest being.”

The longer I am alive, the more I feel I am in an endless spiral. Each time I feel awake and alive resonates in the same way, each time I feel weighed down the way out feels clearer, it is all repetition, and I am beating and breathing in it~~

Thank you for listening and reading, see you on the other side, and in many other lives.

-A