post-supermoon + retrograde digest

overcoming shame for me feels like moving into power

hello friends—

I cannot believe the summer is almost over, it went by like a cosmic blink. it feels like time is more elastic than ever, stretching through my fingers like molasses and then turning into sand….

i played my first show in a bit this past monday (8/26), only the second show i’ve played this year, perhaps not my last… and i truly had a blast, which was unexpected. leading up to it all the things that could go wrong did (equipment issues and transportation troubles), in true retrograde fashion. but the show itself went by like a dream. i guess i could fixate on what went wrong but i can’t shake the feeling of elation i felt once i truly released and let go and really allowed myself to take up space, something that has always eluded me.

i think the good winning combination of toxic shame + impostor syndrome has always made performing feel quite volatile and terrifying. i’m afraid to be in front of people sharing my vulnerability, of taking up space because who am i to believe i have any power? or that i even have anything to say? even if its just for one moment… at times i’ve even felt guilty for the art i share, like it’s a burden to all my friends who pretend to like it and me.

obviously i know how insane that sounds written out. i’ve had some pretty major breakthroughs this year that have finally allowed me to break through those mental chains and barriers, but it is work. and all i feel is elation and relief that those thoughts were as quiet as ever on my mind when i performed. i just felt so free. and empowered, for the first time in a long time. overcoming shame for me feels like moving into power.

i think getting to this place required me to spend a lot of time on my own, truly growing comfortable in my own skin, which i avoided through escapism for many years… and now that i reached that level of personal self-acceptance i care less about what people think about what i do, and more about carrying myself with integrity + care.

wrote this as I was listening to this (2 brilliant long-form pieces by alex kent from sprain):

hope the dust settling around you post-retrograde finds you all well + that whatever comes next is exciting + feels right,

A