Hello,
It seems that after a long period of stasis things are picking up again. I had a pretty major breakthrough in my work that allowed me to break through some of the barriers I had preventing me from working on my album. Some were outside of me, but mostly it was internal. And I do think that process had to be what it was, and I’m glad I was patient enough to sit with my work for 7 months before reigniting it.
While this natural flow picked up I got asked to perform and I said yes to it even though I don’t tend to agree to shows unless they are at least a month out. But the way I’ve been working already had me thinking of a live set so I really just had to put these ideas into practice…
I still don’t know how to feel about performing. But I realized lately that a lot of the pressure I feel around releasing comes from the fact that since I’m not performing those works, in my mind the recorded version is the only version that is in the world. And that puts a lot of pressure on that still frame of an idea, it has to conform to the ideal that I built up in my mind and that is a lot of pressure for anything that has to exist—because anything that exists as an articulation of the inexpressible will be fall short, will be a failure…
So instead of continuing on this resistance against the current of a standard of beauty and perfection that can’t and won’t exist I am embracing error and failure. As soon as I let go things poured out of me in a flood. I have been gifted a tape machine recently and now my desk is piled up with tape experiments, reversed tapes, tape loops, recordings of abandoned songs—all deliciously imperfect. I am joyful in my experimentations and I’m delighted by the fragility of tape, as soon as it's recorded it’s already in a state of decay. It can be volatile and unpredictable and frustratingly limited. It’s similar as my fascination with film.
Overall I feel like I’m in a good place, my feet feel like they are on the ground, even if the ground is shifting and chaotic. I’m letting go of what I think has to be. And with that, I feel like I can move forward, swan diving into Aries season with no idea of what the other side of it will hold, just the air surrounding me flowing with fire…
Current obsessions:
Autechre— I have been listening to them nonstop, they recalibrate my brain through their pure commitment to the joy and curiosity of sound. My fave is currently Column Thirteen from the NTS sessions.
Coil— Still on a Coil kick. I listened to Cold Cell several times in a row for hours. It felt like a healing ritual of forgiveness and feeling.
Perfect Days— I was lucky enough to go see this at a movie theatre, and I recommend you see it if it’s playing near you. It seems Wim Wenders continues to change my life (as he did w/ Wings of Desire last year for me). I think it was the embodiment of everything I’ve been feeling and a roadmap to everything I want to feel more of.
Wishing you all a gentle and transformative eclipse season,
-A
Oh! and here’s the info for the show: 3/28 at Chess Club.
air and fire! what you said about performing and the pressure of only one version existing spoke to me so loudly, thank you for sharing.
Also, I volunteer at a local theater and was supposed to work / see Perfect Days last night and, surprisingly to me, completely spaced. Sad I missed the theater experience but looking forward to seeing it.
I love the freedom you’re feeling <3 also perfect days moved me so much!!