Letting Go
I hold on to everything.
I have kept all of my journals for 11 years now. I keep a copy of my mom's ultrasound. I have every letter, note, etc I've received from a friend or a love. I hold on to painful memories, resentments, fears...
It gets heavy. When I feel "stuck", the truth is that I am holding on to so much that it's hard to move. I feel more and more suffocated as my mind around me like snakes. Meanwhile a part of me is screaming trying to get free, and I feel more stuck in the polarity.
If I could have it my way, I could be in complete control while also being absolutely free, and weightless. But the laws of physics don't work that way.
So how do I let go? I used to think it required a drastic external life change. For the past two years, it's been hard to do the things I used to do to run away from myself. I did thrash and drown for a bit. I found another way... the hard choice, which is to be still, let the riptide be the riptide. Swim back to shore.
The more I do this now, the easier it gets. As a raised Catholic, I thought holding on to every guilty and shameful emotion and lacerating myself was the path to goodness. I see now, that being in control at all times is alienating.
It's harder to reach out and to help those around you when you can't put down your baggage so you can assist. It is really difficult to make a good decision in a panicked place.
New moons are my favorite. It's a chance to start over. I might always be a control freak, but for now my baggage is set under a tree while I go for a swim. I have my eye on it. I might have to pick it up again.
There's a certain vertigo that comes with letting go. You feel the release, you feel the weight you were carrying, like you're still in motion after a long car ride. I really do feel that everything that feels good is on the other side of that release. The empty space, the silence, it's fruitful... It's where it's at, that's where you can really See.
There's a lot of shifting tides currently. Your body holds the roadmap, and when that fails, it's time to be vulnerable and ask for help. Maybe it doesn't get easier, but maybe just clearer. The way out wants to find you as much as you want to find it.
-Ara