I have been overwhelmed with rigidity. I know that if I allow myself to soften, it would be the same thing as allowing myself to crumble.
How do I make space? I ask myself, as I coil and recoil into even more twisted and contrived shapes.
What is the thing? What am I looking for? I am perpetually searching, with no aim or reason.
I know I need to stop searching and just allow myself to listen. I know it’s not outside of me. I simply need to see. It is not complicated.
There’s many layers of voices I have to excavate myself out of each and every single day. It’s exhausting. I want simplicity more than anything, which probably comes as a result of letting go, but all I know is not letting go. I feel like I have to try extremely hard to arrive at ease.
Impossible knots, you see. I don’t know how to forgive myself for not being able to get out of my head, which perpetuates it… I am the snake eating itself. Starving for life and love, hungry for the things I want to make that I feel incapable of or otherwise not ready to let go of.
I do punish myself a lot. I’ve gotten so good at it, in fact, that I don’t need to do “anything” anymore to feel the punishment. I exist and move through it, the strain of nothing I do ever being enough. I don’t believe any living being deserves punishment, I don’t even believe it helps even the most harmful of people… And yet, I create prisons for myself emotionally—I lock myself inside of a dark cold room, thinking it will make me “better”. It does not.
If anything when I exist in these states, I feel the empathy draining from my body. I feel less for others, I have less patience, I am a worse listener. How can we expect to create a softer world, without extending that to ourselves? We have to forgive somehow, to figure out a way to feel ease, otherwise we are truly screwed. Finding ways to create more space for ourselves is deeply necessary in order to show up fully.
“I won't get heavy
Don't get heavy
Keep it light and
Keep it moving
I am doing
No harm”
-A
I understand ♥️