Cycles
Hello dear reader... It's been a minute.
That last eclipse was intense. I am still swimming in its ether, gathering the magic dust of the clearing and clarity it provided.
For the past few weeks, I went through a period of darkness. A side of me that scares me-unable to create, lost in the fog, feeling directionless, not knowing where to begin.
I have emerged from it, but I can't help but notice this is a pattern for me. Periods seemingly filled with expansion, realization, creation, clarity and energy--followed by contraction, questioning, depression, apathy.
As I grow to learn about myself, I learn more about navigating these waves. I don't have it entirely figured out, but thinking about cycles in nature--like the cycles of the moon, is helping me make more peace with this unknowable entity inside me. Maybe its inevitable, like the changes in the air, like the wheel of the year turning.
Shame is so prevalent in our society and intertwined with how we relate to our bodies, our emotional experiences, and our own nature. When I feel I need to slow down, my mind is flooded with anxiety and messages about how I should be doing more. How I'll never keep up if I take a break.
Yet after each cycle of darkness, I come out knowing myself in deeper and deeper layers, it seems. I want to learn how to embrace these periods where I feel I have nothing to say, when I need to listen, when I need to just be, to allow myself to lean into the confusion, the questioning. Maybe it is necessary, for me. Maybe I am not meant to always expand, to always have clarity, inspiration...
I would like to get better at this tuning in, to this listening. There's always a sign telling me I need to slow down. I tend to ignore it and keep going. There's also always a sign leading me into what's next after a period of nothingness, I tend to be better at listening to this, but not always. I always manage to convince myself that my state is permanent, instead of a fluid movement, a storm, or a clearing.
I can't seem to wrap my head around the impermanence of everything, it seems. I just want to hold on. When I am expanding, I never want it to end. I can almost sabotage it, because I am so scared to lose it. I wish I had the grace of the moon, how it allows itself to ebb and flow...
I hope you are well, wherever you are in your cycle.
-Ara